Have you ever been really busy for a while then when you have time to yourself you have no idea what to do?
That’s me today.
So one of the unfortunate things about being a creative writing student is having to give an essay that’s 20% of your module grade.
That doesn’t sound so bad right? That’s probably what you’re thinking if you’re a normal person.
I am in some ways a normal person. I eat, I sleep, I poop. There are also many ways in which I am not ‘normal’. As such, I do not have this response.
Let me put it as a sum:
Me + Presentation = Bad news
(Autism + Terrible past experiences public speaking) + (Talking in front of massive crowd + Being judged for an important grade) = Stress and panic
It actually went really well, though I kinda screwed up one of the questions afterwards. It was also the first time during university I’ve been late to class. The one day I get times mixed up, and it’s the worst possible day, especially considering I was scheduled to go first. Luckily, the late nerves killed most of the presentation nerves.
I want to take a moment out to talk about the psychology of positioning. Firstly, I never understood why people never want to be first for things like this. I always want to be first. Yes, it can be a little scary, but at least you won’t have to take the risk of following someone who gives a better presentation (or whatever) than you. I also don’t understand why some people thought it was less scary when they were sitting in front of everyone. It depends on the person I’m sure, but I couldn’t even stay sitting while I was doing test runs. Also, psychologically speaking, standing should be better. It (supposedly) puts you in a position of authority to be the only one standing, part of this being because you are then higher than everyone else. That doesn’t work in a lecture theatre. If you’ve seen a lecture theatre, you know why.
Now, let’s talk about how I apparently thing presentations are done. First, I’m pleased that I didn’t mess up many words or sentences. I’m also pleased that I gave the presentation in exactly 5 minutes, the time limit. It’s very dizzying to look at all those people while trying to give a presentation. The light doesn’t help. Of course, it also doesn’t help that you’re supposed to make eye contact with everyone, and when everyone is spread around the room you need to change the direction you’re looking a lot. I’m fairly sure you shouldn’t do it as much as me. I’m sure there was a time when my head stopped moving, I just can’t remember it well. The rest of my body for the most part was a lot more still than it had been in the test run. I’m not sure whether I spoke too fast or not. I’m not completely sure what my voice sounded like. In a lot of the test runs it usually ended up sounding almost emotionless like a computer or speaking in a different accent. I think my voice today was a cross between my normal voice and the computer one. It just can’t be controlled.
I need to go back to my brain laboratory and figure out how the hell I’m gonna do this next time. I’m guessing there will be a next time.
Here’s the part where I get back to the opening topic. Because I knew I had the presentation today I didn’t schedule any work on assignments for myself afterwards so I could just relax. I sat there for a lot longer than I should have trying to figure out what I could do. I tried to remember what I used to do before all the work took over. There was writing, but I felt I needed a little break (yet I’m writing this now). There was gaming, but my batteries were dead. There was reading, but I couldn’t pay attention. I think after something like today your brain just goes out for a while and takes a while to come back.
When that happens, I’ve found, there’s nothing to do but waste time watching crap on youtube and playing whatever stupid no-thought-involved games you can find on google.
If anyone knows how to give the brain a jump start, do let me know. It’s taken it 5 hours to get back to normal.
Luckily the work I have for tomorrow is fairly simple. I’m working on two things, both second drafts, so they should only take a couple of hours each at most. Then there’s anime society.
Just a quick final note – Liverpool is freezing. There are not enough blankets and coats in my room.